Geralin, I Live with a Hoarder

As a result of my work on Hoarders, I hear from many people whose lives are affected in some way by this phenomenon. I hope that the advice I gave one viewer will be helpful to others in similar situations.

Isaac:

One thing about the show that makes it hard for me to watch is the way it affects the people living with the hoarders. I feel their pain the most as my wife is a hoarder, just like her parents. I’d say her parents’ case is nearly as severe as those seen on the show.

We’ve been married over 14 years and there are plenty of times when I wanted to leave or ask her to leave. She has improved (in part due to medication) but not nearly enough for me, considering the length of time. I want us to move out of our small home, but I don’t want to just end up providing her with more space to hoard things. Just coming home every day is very depressing and I’m miserable.

I was wondering if you have any advice for people living with hoarders, or if there is a web site that has such advice you might recommend?

Geralin:

There are a couple of sites that provide an outlet for family members who want to chat with like-minded spouses, siblings or children of hoarders. Under “Hoarding” on the “Resources” tab above, you will see a few websites to explore. Children of Hoarders is a site where you will be understood and able to discuss your challenges openly.

I think the show is so popular with viewers for the very reason you mention – the pain family members endure when a hoarder values their stuff over a spouse, children or friendships. For most viewers, it’s unbelievable. I’ve overheard people talking about the show and it’s often said, “You have to see it and hear it to believe it.”

I have a few questions for you. I’m wondering at what point would ‘enough be enough’ from your perspective regarding your wife’s hoarding. Do you think she will ever get better?

Isaac:

Basically, I want to be able to get to things when I need them without leaning over a huge pile of clothes or bags of old papers. I would like to have less possessions to manage, so I can clean, dust, and generally be able to organize our home. In order to do that, I have to have fewer things so they all have a place to go. There’s just too much of it, especially clothes. I don’t expect things to be immaculate or sparkling. But I don’t want giant piles of clothes leaning against every wall and stacked on every piece of furniture. I want to be able to have someone come in – even if it’s just a repairman – without feeling ashamed. I would like room enough to spare to feel like I live here too.

As to whether there’s any chance she’ll get better, she has improved over the last 14 years. Her parents have problems about as bad as the people on the show. Her brother and sister-in-law are also hoarders as I understand it. My wife is maybe 50% of where they are now.

It still takes her a long time to do anything cleaning-wise, and it’s hard because nearly all of it is her stuff. Not mine. I can only do so much to encourage change and she knows I really hate it here. Her family used to be huge enablers and would make it even harder, but this has gotten better as they have slowly let go over the years. So there is some hope.

Any thoughts you’d care to offer?

Geralin:

How is she accumulating things – is she shopping for them? On-line or in-store? Dumpster diving? Stealing? Passively acquiring? What type of budget is in place?

Isaac:

Some shopping, some passively acquiring.

She gets some things from family and sometimes other people. Her mother is especially bad, and I’ve asked her to stop giving my wife stuff on several occasions. When I ask her why she keeps giving my wife things despite my requests, she says she forgot. Another big source of stuff is from discount stores. My wife gets a charge from finding a deal, and doesn’t seem to realize that even when it’s a deal, it still costs something. I would like to save up enough money to move out of this little mobile home some day.

Geralin:

If you stop using credit cards, would stuff still come into the house? If so, how?

Isaac:

Actually, we don’t use credit cards. I’m sure family (her mother especially) would continue giving her stuff.

Geralin:

What are her peak accumulating times? Daytime? Evening? Weekends?

Isaac:

Weekends.

Geralin:

Here is a tough question for many to answer honestly, but would you say your wife is lazy or unmotivated? Lacks energy? Has a limited attention span?

Isaac:

Mostly unmotivated and lacking energy. She definitely has a limited attention span. She has worked with therapists in the past. One said she had never been taught how to finish anything. She often quits midway through a project. She has trouble organizing her efforts and prioritizing things. She was once diagnosed with ADD, but only by one doctor that I know of. She has seen several doctors/therapists since she was teenager and the others didn’t seem to feel it was severe enough to be ADD. However, she also lies to doctors – especially if she wants them to take her off certain medications – and to me about problems generally. Her mother was the same way with my father-in-law.

Geralin:

Is she “high functioning” to the public but not so much at home?

Isaac:

I used to think she was high functioning to the public, but then she lost several jobs for inattention to work and inability to handle stress. She finally told me that she tended to waste a lot of time at her old job, which I was unaware of. She is struggling at her current job, possibly due to her lack of organizational skills. It still takes her too long to get things done. I work for the same facility in another department, and have the opposite reputation (very organized). One boss suggested she turn to me for help with organizing due to my reputation, but I usually can’t get her to apply my advice at home or at work. In theory, her job is similar to mine – we’re both purchasers of a sort. But the details of her job are very different. So I’m only able to help her to a limited degree as I don’t know enough about her job. But as I said, she usually doesn’t apply my advice anyway.

Geralin:

What activities does she enjoy doing?

Isaac:

She likes going places. Especially if there are rides or things to see. She likes watching movies. Unfortunately, I’m limited in what I can do as I get frequent migraines and I don’t travel well. There are a lot of things I can’t do for very long or I’ll get a migraine.

Geralin:

Is she hooked on sugary drinks? Candy? Breads?

Isaac:

Yes to all the above. She is notoriously hooked on sugar AND vinegary things, like pickles. She actually drinks the juice right out of the jar. I have asked her to cut back on the snacks as she has dental problems and I don’t want to be tempted to eat them myself, but she can’t seem to quit. She has cut back a little in the last year or so.

Geralin:

Have you ever worked with an organizer (who works with hoarders) or a psychologist (who has experience with hoarders) before?

One of the gentlest ways to start experimenting is with a “time capsule” like we did with Alex on Hoarders.

Isaac:

She had a nervous breakdown when she was about 20 years old, and started seeing doctors and therapists for quite a while after that. That has pretty much ceased in recent years, probably because we didn’t have health insurance for a while. I do not know if they seriously addressed her hoarding or had experience with that issue. I asked her to see another therapist when we both got jobs at the hospital (where we work now) and told her I really needed her to work on this problem if we’re to stay married long term. NOTE: I told her she didn’t have to be perfect, only that she needed to improve significantly. She has not seen anyone despite my request. I don’t know anything about organizers in the area or how much they cost.

Geralin:

Just an observation – I’ve noticed when working with hoarders, often they THINK/BELIEVE they CANNOT do it. It is very, very slow but most of them can do it (with help).

x-x-x

Isaac contacted me a few months later with the following update:

Thought I would give you an update. I have convinced my wife to consider some type of therapy, though not just for hoarding. She has been having job issues I wasn’t aware of due to her problems focusing on her work. Given the risk of losing her job, there has finally been some movement on the getting help front. I will go to the counselor with her.

Thanks for your help.